but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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