Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
