when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
