I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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