best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
