Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
