I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why are your pants in the freezer?