if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
