After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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