i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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