you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
