i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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