She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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