I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
