So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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