listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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