So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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