Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
