Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
