If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
His nipple licking is glorious
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