I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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