My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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