i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
