So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
