i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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