I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
