He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
my god I love twenty year old dicks
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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