Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
