JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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