dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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