i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
