My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
