Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
