just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
