My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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