Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
