Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
