You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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