I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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