My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
