why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
