Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
