I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
