Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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