On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
