remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
