I'm so fucking centered right now
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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