Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
