pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
