I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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