i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
