just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
