Don't make out with my wife yet
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
