I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
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last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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