you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
