I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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